Hello. Long time no see, aye? I have decided to dedicate a couple of hours or so to writing about what's been going on in my crazy fucking life lately. A lot has changed. I don't even know where it even started but everything is very different to how it was a year ago.
There are a few main points I have to mention but I'm only really going to focus on perhaps the biggest thing tonight. There's just too much to explain so I will have to space it all out in a few separate entries. I think that will work out best. The things I will be writing about in the next few entries will be..
1.) I broke up with my boyfriend after almost three years. It was my decision as I just totally fucking had enough. I couldn't hack it anymore, not at all. It's a shame and all that but I feel a lot better now. The biggest downside of it all is that I had to move back in with my parents. Which meant now all my stuff is back in my bedroom and it's a fucking pain in the arse to sort out, man. I think I mostly have all my shit back now so it's just a massive job of sorting everything out, getting all my DVD's and horror figures back on display. He was kind enough to let me bring the gaming PC he built for me back home, so I am glad about that. But I'll explain where it all went tits up another day..
2.) I attend AA meetings now. Something I've been wanting to do since I was about 21. So it took me about 6 fucking years but I finally had the balls to walk through the doors and explain my story. Obviously it doesn't automatically mean you are instantly cured when you attend your first meeting - I am still out of control with my drinking - but I think my whole outlook on alcohol has totally changed. It's a step in the right direction, I guess.
3.) I finally got another job after about 7 months of having fuck all. I was working in a video game/movie retail shop and I really enjoyed it at first but it ended up getting on my nerves and I just fucking walked out. I now work in a library a 5 minute walk away from my house and it's only part time but I feel like that's all I can really handle now. It just means I have to be very careful with my money.. which I totally fucking ain't, but sod it. I started in June and it's the best job I've ever had so far.
4.) I think I ought to write about the suicide attempt in more detail at some point. It was a really horrible time. I very nearly fucked myself up for good and died this time. I'm glad I didn't.
5.) I found a lump. The other night I felt it on my left breast and it freaked me the fuck out. I instantly started crying. The next morning I was booked straight in for a doctor's appointment and 2 doctors had to examine me. It wasn't good. I've been referred to a hospital for scans this Thursday. I'm pretty fucking scared. I'm only 27 but I know shit like this can still happen. I just want answers.
But yeah, I'll explain all of that at some other points.
The main thing I wanted to talk about tonight is how I have met someone.. yeah, I don't hang around hahaha. I was kind of dreading being single again as all the thirsty boys crawl out from their rocks when I come out of a relationship and it really gets so fucking annoying. I thought I'd end up straight back on the dating sites and going on horrible dates with horrible people, but I actually haven't done that. It's been nice.
So basically, I'll explain how all this fucking started. I have a great American friend who I've been speaking to for over 2 years now and we listen to this horror film podcast. They actually want me to go on their podcast as a guest but I am shit scared about it so I keep putting it off, oops. So anyway, listeners of the podcast have this Twitter DM chat and a bunch of them all talk in there about horror films and just the podcast in general. He invited me into it a few months ago so it's been nice chatting with other horror obsessed people. During June it was obviously the World Cup. The American and I basically hijacked the chat and kept talking about England in the World Cup and there are only 3 people from England in the chat, including me. One guy that hardly spoke in there before joined in a lot more for the football talk and I always thought his profile picture made him look mega fit, but I was with someone at the time and I thought he was way out of my league. Longish dark hair, covered in tattoos. Looks like a 28 year old emo hahah.
One night in June I got really drunk and tried to DM him outside of the chat but I pussied out. The next night I did message him. We just spoke about the football, really. Oh, and accents. I'm obviously from Essex and he's from Newcastle. So I got his number and we spoke on the phone for a bit. I was seeing someone from Newcastle 4 years ago and I really struggled to understand the accent. I think I've adapted to it much better this time around, though. The next night we spoke for about 6 hours on Whatsapp. I was feeling brave so I was talking a lot about sex and whatnot. The conversation basically very quickly went from him saying things like "yeah I like doing this and that with a girl" to "I'm going to do this and that to you" and I was just sort of blown away, aha. That night I stayed up all night and went straight to work in the morning, feeling really confused but also really fucking excited. And that's pretty much where it all started.
He's a huge fucking horror fan, a video game nerd, into the same music as me and it's just all really nice. It was a very good distraction at first when I was trying not to think about how fucked my life is now I'm back home again and having to start all over again. It was all sex stuff at the beginning, talking really dirty and discovering we're both as fucking filthy as each other. We were going to meet in a hotel just for some fun but then it got more serious and we're practically online married now. Every day we speak as much as we can, he calls me every chance he gets when he's at work, we video call basically every night, we sync up horror films to watch at the same time so we can do "date nights" which is probably lame as fuck but it's so fucking good being able to talk to someone every single night until stupid o'clock and chat shit about horror films for hours on end. My favourite part of watching films with him on video call is when I get so distracted by how fucking gorgeous he is. I constantly want him. We get so carried away we end up getting a bit.. undressed and excited most nights. But fuck it. It's been the only way we can sort of doing anything sexual "together" haha. I had never done that with anyone on video call before but now it's just completely normal. I always make sure I am wearing something incredibly revealing, just to piss him off even more. I've done some really fucking strange shit on video call lately.. including giving myself an absolute fuck ton of bruises that my parents are very, very confused about hahah. They should see the state of me currently.. actually, I take that back.
It turns out he has a sister that lives in London so he's around quite a bit when he visits. He recently came down to London for the next 11 days so we arranged to actually meet for the night and stay in a hotel together. I booked the hotel room about 3 weeks ago but I was really paranoid that he probably wouldn't bother turning up. Worst case scenerio I was prepared to get loads of alcohol and drown my sorrows alone in the hotel room.
It got to the day of our date which was Saturday the 18th and I was so incredibly fucking nervous. I had a shift at work in the morning which dragged so fucking badly and I was really, really anxious. I was being a proper slack bitch at home when I was getting ready because I felt really sick with worry but in the end it was all fine. I had 2 beers while I was getting ready, had a beer on the train and then I waited for him at Liverpool Street. The inevitable waiting around, surrounded by 100's of people and panicking thinking I was going to be stood up occurred and then he called me. As soon as he asked where I was I saw him walking towards me. I grinned and felt very calm again, he walked right over to me and properly kissed me. That obviously made me really fucking shy so I put my head down as we were walking around. I'm such a tit. I've never been kissed the second I meet someone new. But he did keep saying he was going to do it.
We decided to take a walk to the hotel to find out where it was and drop our bags off because I couldn't be arsed with dragging two bags around with me. When we got there we checked in, got our room keys and the guy at reception gave us free glass of Pimm's, which was rad. When we got in the room I was really nervous that he was expecting something to happen straight away. In dirty text talks we were saying as soon as we get in there we were going to fuck but when it actually came down to it I was really fucking terrified. I decided to drink the second beer in my bag and we just sat and put the TV on for a bit. When I stood up to grab something he also got up and slammed me against the wall with his hand around my throat. This immediately fucked with me and all my anxiety washed away. I warned him we weren't doing anything too crazy, we had to go out to get something to eat. But when he pushed me on the bed and was on top of me I kind of really didn't want to leave the room at all anymore. He perched me on top of him and I seriously just wanted to stay there for a very long time. After a lot of kissing he was sucking on my nipples and I only mention this because he has his tongue pierced.. never been with anyone with a tongue piercing. Holy fuck, it feels so good. After a while he moved me again so he was on top of me and he was sliding his cock up and down my tits which was again something I never had anyone do to me. I never thought my tits would be big enough, but apparently it wasn't so much of a challenge haha. I think he was planning on cumming on my tits but I kept begging him to let me swallow it. I think he's a fan of me pleading and begging because after a short while he had his cock in my mouth while I was laying down looking up at him and it finally happened. We basically met at 4:45pm and by 5:45pm I had already swallowed his cum. Pretty impressive for timing!
I must apologise. This is going to be a lot of sex talk from now on and I am not very good at explaining. Most people reading (if anyone still reads) might want to skip all of this filthy shit hahah. I just want to be honest and write down everything I remember - which is everything, for once. After that we got ready and finally left the room to go to some American diner he suggested we go to. We ate and drank and chatted and had a laugh. He insisted on paying which pissed me off because I hate it when boys offer to pay for me. I feel so guilty for it but he kept saying I spent 100 quid on the hotel room so he wanted to pay me back. I guess that's fair enough. We finished our food and went for a stroll through Whitechapel and we went for a pint at the Ten Bell's pub where the whores that Jack the Ripper butchered drank in all those years ago. We were sitting there and he goes to me "I wonder who's going to be the first one to say 'the big 3 words' tonight" and I cringed because I knew exactly what he meant and I was really nervous about it. We previously said it a bunch on Whatsapp, because as I said previously, we are practically online married and everything's gone so fucking fast in the space of just over a month so why the fuck not just continue it haha. We went for a stroll to pick me up some beers and we headed back to the hotel room.
When we got back we were just sitting around and chatting, watching TV and after cuddling on the bed for a bit it got more intense. After making out a bunch more I was asking very nicely if he'd consider fucking me now as I think I had waited long enough.. but he's a massive fucking tease and made me wait a bit more. I'm not on the pill because it turns me into a huge walking fucking hormone so it was a shame to use condoms but it was still an amazing night. He got on top of me and when he started fucking me I gasped because it had been sooo goddamn long since I felt something so good. When he pulled my panties off of me he shoved them in my mouth to shut me up. He was worried he wasn't going to last long and I said he's a fucking melt, it's going to be fine regardless and because he came such a short while ago he wasn't going to just blow his load straight away hahaha. And I was right. I honestly had been craving that for so, so long. Me and my ex didn't fuck for months, probably not since we went on holiday last October. The only time we fucked this year was in April after Wrestlemania and he came home to a very drunk and horny me. But I can hardly remember it. Me and my best mate had a bit of an incident, too.. but again I was drunk. So the first sex I actually remember and properly felt this year was incredible.
We laid down and watched Bram Stoker's Dracula which was on TV and I'm pretty sure during that we fucked again. Yeah, we did. This time he made me get on top of him and I'm mega fucking self conscious about that because I feel like my stomach is gross and he demanded I take all my clothes off. I have to obey everything he says. I told him before we met that when the door closes in that hotel room, he isn't to call me by my real name anymore. He's to call me his slut. So I only really went by the name of "dirty slut" or "filthy slut" or "are you my dirty little slut?" and that was hot. Before we fucked he stood by the edge of the bed and made me hang my head upside down off of it while he face fucked me. After that he demanded I get on my knees and put my hands behind my back and look up at him. Just keep looking up at him. When I went to lean forward to take his cock in my mouth he slapped me round the face. I looked up at him confused and tilted my head to one side and he just said "wait." So the game here was I had to kneel with my hands behind my back and wait for him to shove it in my mouth. It got too much a few times and I kept forgetting I wasn't allowed to use my hands so I got a slap for it everytime. In the end I was quite enjoying the punishment so I kept being naughty and misbehaving by sucking his cock because I had permission, which resulted in more slaps round the face. When he was finished with his game he dragged me over to the desk and I thought he was going to bend me over but he made me sit on it and I propped one leg up on the desk and one on the chair so he could fuck me against that. It felt so fucking amazing.
When the film finished it was about 3:30am and I asked him if he had it in him to fuck me one more time before he inevitably passed out. I kept forgetting boys get completely drained and exhausted after sex, and he'd already cum 3 times in the space of a few hours.. oops. But he managed it and I was wondering if he was holding back a bit because when he was choking me and biting me he wasn't being as hard and rough as I'd have liked. So I kept telling him to be more rough, which again resulted in me getting slapped round the face and told that he was the boss, he can do what he wants at whatever pace he wants. So I had to obey. Him fucking me from behind is honestly so, so good. I know it feels a lot more intense in that position but holy shit, I couldn't shut the fuck up. When he was eating me out I was so loud, I just couldn't be quiet. I think the tongue piercing had something to do with that.. oops. I feel sorry for the people that were either side of our room. The headboard became loose in the end and kept banging against the wall which was hilarious.
When we were laying down he rolled over to me and was right in my face and he said "well it's going to be me then.. I love you" and I got really shy but I said it back. I honestly don't know how this all happened so fast but the feels, man. The fucking feels. I'm absolutely head over heels. Besotted. Addicted. I crave him all the time. Not even the sex stuff, just like.. I constantly want to be with him. He gave me a present which was a little bracelet with little black skulls all over it and he has one that's got pirate crossbones on it. I gave him a simple black wristband and I have a matching one. He gave me a red tshirt he owned of Wes Craven inspired characters from his films. I wanted to cry. He was my favourite director and it has characters like Ghostface, Freddy Krueger, ones from Shocker, The Hill have Eyes, The Serpent and the Rainbow, The People Under the Stairs and The Last House on the Left. I gave him my copy of Frankenstein and wrote a lame little message just inside about how I wanted him to keep it because he mentioned before that he always wanted to read it. See, we can be cute and gross instead of just downright filthy and gross. I went downstairs and outside for a cigarette and told him to just stay there and rest haha. I was smoking and this guy also standing there started speaking to me. He was gay as fuck and such a diva - I think I fell in love. He was so drunk and said he had been taking ketamine. I swear he was the funniest person ever. He was bitching and moaning about his 21 year old boyfriend in their room upstairs, how he was nearly 29 and they wanted completely different things, how in 8 months of dating they'd never fucked and how frustrated he was. He was actually hilarious with all his mannerisms. G (I'll call him G from now on) came out because I took so long and he got worried. It was probably because I was having so much fun at 4:30am talking to this comical bloke outside I ended up chain-smoking 3 cigarettes in one go because I didn't want to leave him hahah. So this bloke was like "So tell me your story!" and I said like we've been talking for a month but tonight is the first night we've officially met and he was like "Oh my god, you guys! You're so cute! Have you had sex yet?" and I was laughing and said yeah and he was like "OMG guys!!" ahaha. It was just so funny.
After this craziness for 20 minutes or so we went upstairs and G put Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter on his laptop for us to watch. He fell asleep shortly after it started and I swear to fucking god I've never heard such bad snoring in all my life. He did warn me that it was bad but fuck me, I wanted to rip his head off. But I think it's too early for me to do that. I would be the main suspect and get caught straight away. Fuck. I tried to watch more of the film but towards the end I was drifting off so I put the laptop down and put my ear plugs in and snuggled up next to G.. but the snoring was piercing my ear. I put my earphones in and put an album on to fall asleep to but I could STILL hear it. I did keep politely nudging him even though I wanted to batter his head in with the iron that was supplied in the room. But again, I am too nice for that, obviously. I don't think I really slept at all. We were meant to get up at 10am so we had time to fuck around more before we had a late check out of 2pm but he looked so peaceful I just left him for another 30 minutes. I woke up him after that because I was getting frustrated and wanted him. He did say we were going to have lazy, sleepy sex in the morning but it didn't quite work out like that. He got on top of me again and fucked me so hard, I am surprised we didn't get complaints.. I also think he took my words on board because he was biting my tits and neck a lot harder and he did something I've never had happen before. He had his face above me and demanded that I open my mouth, show my tongue and he spat right inside my mouth. I gargled this spit in my mouth so it ended up dripping out of my mouth and down my chin and it only made him fuck me harder. He kept telling me to do that, so he would spit in my mouth or around my mouth and let it all dribble down my chin and I can only imagine a similar thing it looked like, but it made him even more rough and he kept grabbing my face and pulling me about and biting me. It was so fucking good. When he fucked me from behind again he was fingering me and using his tongue on my clit and I swear to fuck I was just a total mess. Afterwards I couldn't even walk. My legs were total jelly.
I was struggling to find anything to watch on TV as it was a Sunday and TV is shit in general, so we were listening to the podcast that sort of introduced us to each other (and my friend) on his phone and just chatting about things. He's so fun to talk to. We talk for hours on video call every night basically and it's just perfect. I keep thinking he's going to get bored of me and the distance will be too much but he keeps reassuring me it's going to be alright. It got to about 1:15pm and I innocently and sweetly asked if we might have one more round before it was time to check out of the hotel. He was like "Fuck me, girl - I've cum like 5 times in the space of one night, I'm old as fuck now, I will die!" so I was pouting and sulking as I got all my shit packed up. I said "But don't you want to show me one last time what I'm going to be missing until we see each other again?" and that seemed to do the trick. He grabbed me while I was laying down, pulled me down to the edge of the bed and fucked me really, really hard. I was feeling so fucking good. He is incredible. I was worried I'd be shit at giving him blowjobs because it's literally been over a year since I gave one to anyone but I've never had any complaints before and his reaction was just what I wanted. He said I'm the best he's had - in the blowjob and handjob and sex aspect - but I suspect he was just saying that to please me, haha. We had 10 minutes to sort our shit out before chucking out time so I had to sort out my sweaty, messy sex hair and pack up the rest of my stuff and we were off.
When we left I could barely fucking walk in a straight line. He really wanted to do anal and I agreed that we could but he forgot to buy any lube and I said like "no way am I doing it without lube" because he's pretty big and I was worried it would hurt. He kept saying "I can use my spit" and I was just downright refusing, mainly to just be a bitch. Next time. I will admit.. we were pretty naughty at some points. I think the third time he fucked me without a condom because he was teasing me and saying how badly he wanted to cum inside my cunt and we just got carried away. He pulled out and came on my chest, but I know how silly it was. It's just when you're in the moment it gets a bit too much.. and later during like the fourth fuck when I was on top of him he was teasing his cock with me and I couldn't help but sit right on it and he fucked me really hard there. But I got off of him after a while and told him he had to be good.
So! After all this seedy shit we were back to being a semi-normal boy and girl in the streets of London. We wanted to go and see The Meg, because who doesn't want to see Jason Statham be all hard and fight a massive fucking shark? We found the most local one that was showing the film at 2:45pm but it was so posh and fancy. It came to like 47 quid for 2 cinema tickets, 2 beers and 1 bag of popcorn. I went to pay my half and he just shoved the money back in my purse and paid for it and he gave me a stupid smirk. I was like "dude, you can't pay for all of this" and he just carried on smirking at me. The cunt. He's so lovely. He's the type that opens doors and lets me go first.. but mainly so he can slap my arse after. What a prick. In the cinema it was fun. I was kind of disappointed with the film in the end but it was so nice drinking a beer and having a reclining chair that I could lean back in and make out with G. He is like me and is terrified of sharks and the sea, but I think he was more scared of that film than I was hahaha. The pussy. Halfway through I took my jacket off and placed it over him. I slid my hand underneath and undid the buttons on his jeans and took his hard cock in my hand and was just stroking it and listening to him occasionally gasp. It felt so good to tease him for once and I stopped after a while. He'll have to wait.
When we left it was time to go home. He had to be back at his sister's to babysit his 3 month old nephew because she was going out with a friend. I got really emotional when the film finished and he told me to sit down on a sofa in the building and he told me he loved me and it wouldn't be long until he sees me again. I was just so fucking sad because I hate not knowing when I will see him again. And video calls from now on will never top the most amazing time I had with him. But he cuddled and kissed me and made me laugh and I felt a bit better. I went to get some wine and beers from Liverpool Street and my train wasn't due for another 20 minutes. I didn't want him to go at all but I said like, don't wait around for me. Just go. He asked if I was sure and I shook my head in my mind but I nodded with tears in my eyes. He kissed me again, told me he loved me, said "soon", kissed my forehead and then he disappeared in the masses of other people. I started properly crying then. I could barely see where I was going and what platform to get on for my train. When I eventually found my train it was like 6pm on a Sunday and I cracked open a beer and cried my eyes out. A few people stopped to ask if I was alright and I brushed them off and said I was good. I just couldn't help but cry. I'm such an emotional fucking bitch.
So that's it really. I got home, got drunk as fuck and passed out. As usual. I was surprised because I told my mum about the date and I made her promise she wouldn't tell dad as he wouldn't be impressed. Meeting a stranger in London for the first time.. and he's a Northerner hahah. But he saw me drinking in the garden Sunday night and asked if I was alright, how did my date go etc. I was a bit stunned. I said I was good, it went really well and he said "He looks nice. He looks really nice actually. Longish dark hair, nice smile, he looks like your type" and I was like.... errr, dad? You approve? Because we took a photo Saturday before we went out to get something to eat and I showed my mum, so she must have showed dad. He was like "But does he speak with a funny accent? Like a proper Northerner?" and I said well yeah.. and he said "Next time you see him, give him a slap for me" hahah. So I think I have dad's blessing. I just have to keep disguising all the bruises I have now.. they are everywhere. It's such a good fucking reminder of him hitting me and biting me and tossing me around. It's just so weird. I was in a relationship for almost 3 years and now I think I've jumped straight back into another. G said he would be willing to leave Newcastle to be with me. I am not entirely sure if I believe that. But fuck, he's gone to a hell of a lot of effort just to get a fuck out of me. And he's still just as intense as he was before we met. I'm just not fucking sure where this is going. But I'm enjoying it.
He's still in London until Saturday so I am meeting him in London to hang out for the day, mooch around the geeky shops, go for a bite to eat and some drinks. It's a shame I won't be able to drag him off somewhere to have even more fun with him, but I'm perfectly happy with just hanging out and kissing loads. I hate public affection but I am utterly addicted to the fucking boy. After that I am booking train tickets for September to go up to Newcastle to stay with him for a couple of nights. I am so fucking excited, man. He's just so fucking lovely and caring and protective and gorgeous and funny and everything I have always dreamed about.
But I won't get ahead of myself.. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I have to go now as it's been hours since I started this (I have been distracted by music and messaging people, etc) and I am off to watch that gory as fuck The Collector film with my boy now.
It's good to be back, lads. I will catch up with you soon to discuss the less exciting parts of my life. Goodnight xo.
8:02 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2018